hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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