Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
