Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
