drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
