I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
