This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
