I'll bet she douches with gravy.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
