So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
