so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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