Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
