He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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