Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
