Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
