Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
