When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
