Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
