Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
