I'm drive I can fine osifer
Just cropdusted the office
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
