I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I supernannyed him into submission
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
