It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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