I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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