Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
