My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
