I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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