how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
