Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
