she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
