If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
