I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
