I cockslap morals
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
