At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
