I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
