Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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