Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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