Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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