The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
