Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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