I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
