I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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