Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i dont even know how to be here
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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