Swine flu is the new snow day.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Couch. On fire.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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