When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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