someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
