I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
