She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We had sex on a dog bed..
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
