the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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