Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
