Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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