why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
