If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
